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henry_kissinger's Journal

Henry the Diplomatic Snugglebunny
27 May
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I am Dr. Henry Kissinger. I am a sort of 'diplomatic laxative,' who allows warring factions to either make peace, or kill each other with greater efficiency. I usually accomplish this through the use of my hypnotic monotone voice, which is rivaled only by that of the Pope, and possibly Al Gore.

Basically, I became bored with playing Chess and Risk, and decided to play similar games with actual countries. I found this slightly more stimulating for a few years, but eventually became bored with this aswell. I then turned my attention to writing books, collecting awards, and making cameo appearances on 60 minutes, as alternative passtimes.

I think Richard Nixon was a genius, in spite of his constantly referring to me as 'Jew boy,' his usage of various other explicatives, and his fetish for tape recorders. I am still pissed off with Daniel Ellsberg, however, for releasing the 'pentagon papers' in 1971, and paralyzing the ability of the State Department to conduct foreign affairs. However, I never suggested that a bunch of imbeciles break into a psychiatrists office to steal his confidential psychiatric records. Ironically, it was he who suggested that, as a ploy to gain notoriety.

I teach at Harvard University whenever I am in the mood to do so, but, because I have a propensity for speaking softly, they have to use an amplification system. I am still being 'bugged,' in other words.

I own the worlds largest collection of tweed suits. I am also a Nobel Laureate, which really impresses the chicks. I sometimes go to the beach wearing my Nobel Peace Prize medallion around my neck, which has the effect of drawing attention away from my fuzzy paunch. I recommend such affectations be worn by all middle aged men while at the beach, if possible.

I had a torrid love affair with Jill St. John in 1972, but only because Marilyn Munroe was unavailable at the time, thanks to those insaciable Kennedys.

(Note: Please leave a comment if you would like to be added to, or removed from my friends list. As a diplomat, I insist on having a paper trail listing my (official) state interactions.)